You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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