It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
