I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
