i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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