it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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