Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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