nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
