i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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