since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
