you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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