WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
