I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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