i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
