I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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