He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Randomize
