so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You left your underwear on the fireplace
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
