I just threw up on my dentist
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
