I seem to have left my pride at pride
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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