im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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