Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
