Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
