i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
