I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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