Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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