The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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