I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
