First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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