I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
