Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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