he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
How external is "for external use only"?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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