I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
