i need an iv and a liver transplant
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.