david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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