Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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