From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
