He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
