yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
