I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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