i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it's like iHOP with fire
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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