Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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