Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
