Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
