Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
