Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
