Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
