one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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