our cab driver is having phone sex.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
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The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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