I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
