The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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