Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
