My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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