i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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