i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We have so much sex to catch up on
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
