I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
