You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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