got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
