Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
