I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize