Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You pole danced in your parka.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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