he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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