please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
