they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
